Being picked Last in a World that demands First

Did you ever get picked last when it was time to pick teams? I know I did pretty much every time. I was never really good at sports, thankfully I didn't pass that wonderful trait down to my kids. I hated getting picked last, when it would get down to just you and that other person and you thought finally I'm getting on the team and what happens, you don't. Then you get that ungrateful response from the Captain who looks at you like great I get stuck with her. Has anyone ever had this happen to them? What about in real life? I know when I was in my twenties it seemed like everyone was getting married before me, every time I turned around I was attending someones wedding shower, or worse baby shower. Talk about feeling in last place. In my late twenties I was married and had a beautiful baby girl, but Nathan and I would have two horrible miscarriages before we could get pregnant again. I remember seeing my beautiful and very pregnant cousin and feeling jealous, jealous that once again I was losing. My dad and brother died later that year and my whole world changed in a instant, my team, my family team had changed. No longer would I have my dad and brother as my team mates. I became upset when I would hear people complain about holidays and having to see their relatives, when I had no one except for my mom to see. It definitely felt like last place. When your working in the real world last place doesn't exactly cut it. No one notices the runner who makes it in last, all the glory usually goes to the person who wins and comes in first. Now that I'm in my mid thirties deadlines have become my priorities: church, bills, kids, my husband. Its easy to get lost in it all and still have dreams and hopes of your own. A lot of times if feels like I'm losing, like I'm in last place. I have no career, I'm not a big movie star, I haven't written my book, I've never even been out of the country. But this one thing I know I do have, God. You see after our two miscarriages, God gave me Grace, literally, He gave me what I thought would never happen again, my beautiful daughter, Isabella Grace and then two sons soon after that. After my dad and brother died God gave me a new definition of family, one that now includes our dearest friends. He didn't replace what was not there He gave me more than what I had. And now even though my future is uncertain I know God's timing is perfect, and His grace is sufficient. Being last isn't always bad sometimes its the best thing. Its hard, its really hard seeing those around you getting picked first feeling like you'll never be on the team. God knows, he hears your heart and knows your desires, He put them there. I remember a scripture I memorized in High School that has stayed with me. I've spoke it to myself hundreds of times when I felt like giving up, when I felt like last was just too hard to bear. It's Psalm 23:1-6, The Lord is my Shepard; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessing. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Remember being last or feeling like last builds endurance, it builds strength, maybe just maybe you were picked last so you could have the very best.

Romance 101

"One day my prince will come", wow, I remember even as a little girl how much I enjoyed watching Cinderella, rags to riches kinda of story, handsome prince that lived in a castle and after seeing her just one time falls madly in love with her. Years down the road it was The Notebook. I have to say one of my favorites except for the fact that the two main characters end up breaking up then getting back together then they die, but at least they died together. Another one of my most recent favorites, is Twilight, yes I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack for this, clearly a teenage love story, but I have to say, I love it. And no I'm not some crazed woman with a sparkly t-shirt that reads Team Edward or Team Jacob its just the idea that most of these movies project the notion of perfect love, a soul mate, that I think intrigues us all. That desire, I find, is clearly planted in every woman. A need to have someone love them in such a way that He would give up his life for her. Some would say its a idealist view on love but I happen to think its possible. Why on earth would God allow us to desire something so much if it were not possible. Jesus was the perfect example of that Love, laying His life down so that we could have eternal life with Him. Its sad that some people will never experience love on that level. My dad used to tell me you can teach yourself to love anybody, you can marry anyone, but seek out the one you can't live without. How true this is, I get asked a lot, you've been married for eleven years??? to the same man?? And even though Nathan never rode on a white horse, he didn't write me 365 love letters for a whole year and he's not a vampire who will live forever, he does and has always exhibited a forever love to me. It is possible girls, don't give up, don't compromise, and don't have unrealistic expectations, No one is perfect, no real life romance is. Its hard work, I'm sure at some point Cinderella's glass slippers got smudged a time or two, even the old couple in the Notebook had to deal with Alzheimer's, and Edward and Bella, well.. OK maybe not every romance is hard work but "real" romance is. And its worth it, believe me its worth it. Nathan and I may never ride off into the sunset but I'm convinced its gonna be one heck of a romance story.

Runaway Baby

In my short 34 years I have been blessed to have some pretty awesome women in my life. I come from a very conservative background, my parents were extremely strict with my brother and I. The rules back then seemed almost impossible to deal with and I spent most of my teen years trying to rebel against them and anything that resembled control and authority. When I was eleven I ran away from home for the first time with one of my best girlfriends. Boy was that stupid, not only did we get caught we stole her mother's car, her checks and got caught across state lines into Mississippi. Then as luck would have it I did it again, when I was 13. This time we got lost, ended up in New Orleans, slept in a hotel parking lot, and totaled her mother's car. Believe you me my parents had every right to disown me. I remember my mom's face the first time I ran away, the hurt and pain from believing I might never have been found. I wish I could tell you I straightened up after that but I didn't I continued to push the buttons of my parents sanity. My mom spent many a night praying for me, loving me and giving me the best advice she knew how to give, she was my first mentor.
When I was 15 I started making huge mistakes with boys, yes I said boys. My dad the "strict" one allowed me to double date when I was 15, my curfew was ten. Crazy, insane when I think about my daughters going out on a date at 15??? I jumped from relationship to relationship, doing things and being places that aren't for 15 year olds. It was an insane time for me, I was lost and had no direction,my emotions, like most young girls was everywhere. And each guy I let in took a piece of my heart. When I look back at those times I remember feeling like each piece was ripped from me, leaving big gapping holes. God sent me someone very special, my second mentor, my youth pastor's wife. When I was 15 I was too proud to talk to my parents and way to embarrassed to talk to them about what was going on with my life. My mom and dad had never been really great with communication, and like most parents, teenagers can become these weird creatures, not the sweet innocent little things you use to catch sneaking cookies out the cookie jar. My mother I assure you is freaking out right now. She would say, we did too talk to you. But I guess at that point in my life it wasn't enough. Believe me I've made plenty of mistakes as a parent and I haven't even reached the teenage years yet, I'm just glad and thankful that when I didn't talk to them they allowed me to talk to someone else. Someone who I could be accountable to. This woman not only listened to crazy rants about boyfriends and curfews and rules but was honest with me. She didn't just tell me the things I wanted to hear but made me think about the things and the choices I was making. She helped me save my teenage years.
So what does all this have to do with anything you ask, well I'll tell you this, I spent most of my twenties and some of my thirties thinking I could wing it. I ran away from people I thought were getting too close to avoid being hurt and used. I really believed I didn't need anyone to lean on or talk to. I really felt like I could do it on my own. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. Save yourself some heartache and pain and listen to some sound advice, YOU CAN'T! Even though I had a wonderful husband I knew I needed something else. I knew I was going to have to be real and open with women again. And so I have started the journey, I have a small group of friends I know I can be honest with, friends I know won't judge me but earnestly love me. I also was just blessed to have someone older than me start speaking into my life. I need that, I feel we all need someone older than us, even if your 70. I mean by 80 you should be good right?? But seriously get someone, pray for that person in your life, its so much easier when we don't feel like we are caring the backpack of life on our on. Trust me on this one, straight from a conformed runaway, our lives are so much better when we stop running and face the truth of ourselves, its a scary journey to take but one you don't have to take alone.

"Love"

Love, a word defined as an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment, a virtue representing all of human kindness,compassion, and affection. Love is also described as actions towards others based on compassion. Now granted I didn't come up with this on my own, via the wikipedia, but I thought what an intriguing idea if we didn't base our Love or so called Love for one another based on their actions towards us or towards others. What if we did exactly what the bible says, Love each other, just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. Wow, when I read this I knew I was guilty of not doing this. I haven't always loved, many times I have been bitter, jealous, envious, the complete opposite of what God has called me to be. Sometimes its easy to love, I know the first time I held one of my children I immediately knew I loved them. For me it was instantaneous. Then there are those in our lives who are an ever increasing exercise of this scripture, sometimes daily we have to remind ourselves to "Love" them. My dad was one of those people, he was intelligent, hard working, and compassionate to those who knew him. Only when it came to his family it was a bit different. It wasn't that he didn't love us it was that he wanted what he thought was best for us and defended his opinion fiercely. I remember months before he passed away he and I got into a heated argument. We were both stubborn in our stance, neither one of us wanting to back down or forgive one another. I remember being angry and hurt and using those emotions to justify what I was feeling, what I thought was right. The night before my dad and brother died, Nathan convinced me to go to my parents house and just spend time with my family which I hadn't done in months. I'm glad I did, I swallowed my ugly pride and gave up my so called "right" to be mad. What I didn't know that night, was this was it, it was my last time I ever got to show my Dad "love". Sometimes loving someone is loving them even when you don't receive love in return, sometimes love is forgetting past wrongs, past arguments,past hurt feelings and moving on from them. I'm not perfect, I haven't always loved people in my life, alot of times I've held on to hurts like a security blanket and use it every time to justify what they did to me. I've had to learn to let go and realize when I do, that's when God can do the most work, in "me". I leave you with this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head,5 Doesn't force itself on others, isn't always"me first", Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,6 Doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,7 puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, But keeps going to the end. -Message Bible.

"My 34th Birthday"

July 1st marked my 34Th birthday, and what a day it was. Usually when my special day arrives it comes on the heels of disaster. I used to joke and say I must have been born on a pagan holiday, because each year it was just that a disaster. Last year for my 33rd, me and the kids and Nathan went to Destin only to have planned it right when the first hurricane of the season hit, and then there was Nathans heroic moment when he saved a man's life from drowning and almost drowned himself, also on my birthday. This year a week before my birthday, Nathan was informed that due to budget cuts he would be let go of his job. Well Great, right?? So needless to say I was a little bummed. Nathan kept telling me it was going to be the best birthday yet but I didn't know how that was going to happen or if I really needed anything special anymore I knew what we were dealing with already what was clearly the priority, finding a way to make income. What I didn't know was that our friends were planning a surprise birthday party for me. It was amazing, Nathan blind folded my eyes and brought me to their house where inside they had decorated little tables with fresh flowers and candles and all my most favorite people in the world were right there. Our friends not only opened their home but planned the menu, cooked the food, bought me presents and found sitters for their kids. I must say I was overwhelmed and humbled by all of them. Nathan and I are truly blessed, more than that we are loved and that is the best present any one can receive or give. The best part of the night and I have to mention it, was when each one of the guests told a funny story or a special memory of me. I loved it so much that I knew I had to return the favor and say something about each person there, so here it goes: J.P.- words don't do justice when I try to explain how much our relationship means to me, you are an incredible man and I am so humbled when you share things with Nathan and I. You include us and we love you, and plus you make us cool,which for two old married people like us means alot, you are my brother and thats that, you were always meant to be, my brother. Sam- aka Samantha- you don't know how much I love you and admire you. The first time I got to meet you I pratically tackled J.P. and said you must marry her!! You are one special lady and an incredible speaker, you have such a special heart and I know you will touch hundreds of people just because of the way you are and the compassion you have. Jennifer- you make me want to be a better person I look at you and think wow, this chick has it all together. I love how you do everything to perfection, you work so hard and give so much, you inspire me. Jason- You are the man that everyone wants to be, they copy your style, try to steal your swagger and just want to be cool like you. Thank you, you have been such a good friend and incredible support to Nathan and I and We truly appreciate it. Somer-you have such a sweet spirit and I know just how incredible you are. I've watched you go through hard and difficult times with grace and humility. Your a powerhouse to be wreckened with and I admire your strength, you amaze me. Brandon-aka four point five, you are intentional! Nathan has always said, I really love Brandon he always goes out of his way to come and talk to me, he's relational. That's very true Brandon, and I'm glad you take time out for us, it means more than you know. Dean- Every time I see you I think now this is a humble man, you always work double what everyone else does and I never see you complain, you love your family and you have always gone over and above for Nathan and I and we love you. Carole- you are very special to me, I know I can be real and raw with you and you totally get it, you never judge me or critize me. You give me great advice and allow me to be me, which in normal circumstances may scare some people but you totally think its normal and I love you for that. David- I am overwhelmed by the support and love you give Nathan. Anytime Nathan has needed you, you have been there for him. Your prayers, your advice and your friendship has meant the world to us. Bethany-you are an incredible powerhouse, every time I hear you speak it encourages me. I love your sweet spirit and your smile. Kristen-you are incredibly encouraging, you always make me feel comfortable when I'm around you, I feel like old friends when I'm with you, you make me feel like I'm home. Jonah- you are an incredible Dad, I am amazed at your cooking skills and I am excited to know both you and Kristen better, hopefully I wont scare you off with my craziness, I promise I'll try to maintain control, lol. Ryan- wow, Nathan and I feel so blessed to know you, you give no matter what and with no strings attached. You always take us in and make us feel apart of your family. Jessica- you are incredibly beautiful, inside and out. You give the best hugs and you are a geniune friend. You and Ryan have just embraced us and we are blessed. Joey- I'm gonna try and not cry when I talk about you and Taylor. You mean the world to me Joey, your friendship, your strength, your ablity to take on any task without thinking about your own self. You are selfless, outspoken and a rebel. I love that, Nathan and I need that, you are our brother, our best friend. Taylor-my incredible friend, one I truly don't deserve. You are so beautiful, strong-even though you don't think you are, giving-over and beyond and loving-more than I deserve. You too like Carole let me be me and give me an outlet for my craziness, Thank you for everything, you are our best friend and our sister. Corey-genorsity is your strong suit, I've never met anyone who tries to really save the world, your a mondern day superman. Corey you've always been there for Nathan and I, you are an intentional friend, one that doesn't just say he's going to do things but you actually back your words up. We love you. Haylee- so beautiful, so sweet, you have an inner strength and compassion. I know your going to make a wonderful wife and mom, your really going to be able to do it all, so glad Nathan and I get to be a part of you and Corey's life, it is truly and honor and privilege. And now a few parting words, for my friends Patrick and Jillian who now live in Pennsylvania, we really miss you guys but you will always be our family, you guys give us strength and we love you. Bruce and Casey- my first cousin, you have never let me down but loved me through all my years of growning up. You inspire me, you and Bruce are an asset to our lives. And to my mother-in-law aka-Mamie who very graciously gives of herself and took on four crazy kids just so I could have a great party. Love you so much And last but not least my husband, Nathan-aka fro-bear, the love of my life, my soulmate. You are more than I deserve, I can't believe I get to spend this incredible life with you. Thank you for always making me feel special and loved not just on my birthday but everyday. You make me a better person, you make me everything. I love you!.

I loved my 34th birthday, heres to all our family, because that's truly what you are, our family. You guys are my best presents, thank you to everyone who gave, cooked and took time out of their schedule to spend with me, it really means the world to this "old gal". I think this year is gonna be a great year! Here's to 34!!!

My Valentine

My Valentine:

10 Years ago I had the privilege of walking down the aisle to this man. Its amazing to look back and remember what you've been through in only a short 10 years. Nathan has stood by me and supported me through three c-sections and four beautiful children, and two angels we never got to meet. He has seen me through the death of my sweet brother and Dad, He had to be the Man of not only one household but of two when he was only 21. He has worked three jobs and gone to college with two children and the third on the way. He has given and sacrificed much for the sake of His family. He is the very image of God and I am extremely blessed that God showed me grace in giving Him to me. When Nathan asked my Dad for my hand in marriage when he was 19 my dad thought Nathan had lost His mind.Why would a 19 yr. old want to get married? Dad made us wait a whole year just to make sure Nathan needed an out. Nathan was so young and well for lack of better words I was and am still extremely independent. What Dad didn't realize at the time was that Nathan was a man who didn't back down. He has and continues to meet me head on,which is incredible to have, someone who doesn't always let you win but calls you on the things that are wrong, the only difference is Nathan does it with style. I've watched Nathan with our friends and family who ask Him advice, He's a natural at it. He can tell you the truth without any pain at all. I always tell people He's the Novocaine you get before a tooth extraction, I'm just the tooth extraction! God has molded us so perfectly together, and continues to chip away the selfish things we hold on to. I am overwhelmed this Valentines Day just knowing that God gave me the perfect gift 10 years ago. Here's to our Happily Ever After.

Hosanna

The song Hosanna has to be one of my favorite worship songs sung by Brooke Fraser. There is something in the words: Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like you have loved me, break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdoms cause .... This is my mandate for the new year, to not get so hell bent on my own version of my hopes and dreams, but to seek first the kingdom of God....seek first.. I know we all get distracted, discouraged, frustrated believe me I've been there, I could be there tomorrow, but I really believe if I and maybe you put what God wants first, whatever that may be in our lives that He will use our dreams and hopes for His purpose. He's planted those things in our hearts for a reason, we just need to have the right priorities first and sometimes a little tweaking... seek first....